thanks, deadwolfbones

"boarder: one of the more legitimately nice guys on the board. you're a musician and you were first here for the music talk and I doubt any of us are going to forget that, though you're also funny and you've got a lot of board history behind you. you're one of those boarders whose persona is somehow really tied to their geographical region--there are some people here who could post for years and I'd never know where they're from. 8-

human: like I said, one of the nicer guys around. you set up a performance space for free shows for your little town. that's pretty badass. 8+"

been listening to this robert wyatt album a lot lately.  dude composed rock bottom after falling out of a five-story window and paralyzing himself.  no more drumming for the soft machine.  so what did wyatt do?  fucker went out and composed a masterpiece.  i wish my art were as good as his.

so lately i have sort of hit a rock bottom of my own, although it's surely not anywhere near as harrowing as ol' mr. wyatt's time of tribulation.  pretty much the only positive thing in my life lately is good grades.  november (and a large part of october) has been a month to forget, to leave behind, to turn and run as fast as i fucking can into december, never to look back at the terrible, horrible, no good, very band month that was november 2006.  i am leaving this month questioning my confidence, my sanity, my ability to function as a human being, my prospects of ever having the ball bounce my way again...i could go on, but the few people who will read this probably aren't interested in a laundry list of my problems.  as i told a friend tonight, 2007 is probably going to be the best year of my life.  it pretty much has to be, if everything evens its way out, if there is any credibility to karma.  i have tried to figure out what i have done to deserve the absolutely raw hand that life has dealt me over the past six weeks, and i can't--i don't deserve it.  unfortunately, i think that i'll probably be hungover from november well into december, at which point i plan to curl up in the fetal position and immerse myself with wonderful literature and film and maybe world of warcraft or nethack...never to come out of my world except to work nights at kroger and to coach soccer in the afternoons, all the while saving boatloads of money so i can finally be financially secure again (and more importantly, have financial security when i move [and pay off a very important monetary semi-debt]).  basically, i'm going to take a time out from the outside world for six months or so, during which time i plan on adding to my legend (ha), learning more than i ever have before, rebuilding my broken confidence, coming to terms with myself and my shortcomings (and hopefully fixing them), coming to terms with the events of the past few weeks, and growing an absolutely righteous beard.  oh, and preparing to move.

november 2006 has been the second worst month of my life.  even though i've probably had more shit rained on me in this month than any other month previous to this, what keeps me afloat is the knowledge that the sun will rise again.  it's impossible for night to stick around forever.  and next summer, i will wake up in a new place, inching towards self-actualization, and i will take said new place by storm.  i can't wait.